stellala.

2011-07-24T02:34:00.003+08:00

back home from harry potter movie.

the last part, the final end.

well, the real ending to it all after the books finished.

somehow watching it ends jus reminded me that we're all mini grown ups now.

something which we bunch went crazy about since pri 5. from 10yrs old to 20 now.

so much have since changed. really missed the good old days back where we were still carefree kids with no burden of future, reality really hitting hard on us. there's jus so much feelings swelled on the inside me now. to tell the truth, i'm actually really sad abt it ending.

kept the movie on hold to watch it with 313. really it does signify something impt for me.

haix, there goes one more of our random brainless dreams and memories being marked an end.

we all have to grow up somehow.

time to grow up but

growing up is no fun at all!

but still it's a awesome night concluding memories with ppl who's been though it all with u.

2011-05-18T20:20:00.001+08:00

my legs my legs my legs!!!

they are seriously gonna break soon :'(

and and,

i wanna go shopping!! when i actually work in town -.-

2011-05-14T01:20:00.002+08:00

halo! disappeared for quite a long time.

well, exams ended on the 12th with me crapping serious craps.

tat's wasnt enough get me blogging.

got too engrossed watching my long list of shows tat i curb myself not to touch the last 2 weeks so i only slept at 3am, woke at 6.30am to prep for work.

then the workaholic me came out again to work all the way till 9pm due to the severe lack of staff and the INSANE buyers :0

ate dinner only at 9plus when my brunch was at 12.30pm :'(

my mind was totally dead by then, zombie to kfc, ordered at something i'll eat tat i saw instantly.

ok, all these arent the point.

so main event is i watched vampire diaries season 2 ep 21 when i reached home

well, refusing to bath first as usual cos i'm dead beat.

and then the point is, i CRIED :'(

LOL.

someone as independent as me actually got moved to tears and cried cos of the show :D

crazy isnt it?!

people who knows me knew i am rational, calm and never the emotional kind...

the no. of times i've ever cried since i grew up, ermm... i think is countable by the figures.

even the only so far touched my heart movie was only Titanic, whereby i stilled firmly held back my tears, only allowing in it to secretly well up in my eyes without dropping.

other times would be so when i was hurt so badly, by the only lethal thing in my life. even then, i would hide it and protect myself further by enforcing another layer of defense.

this time round, it's all different.

to think that i'm so touched and affected by the story that i let myself burst out crying uncontrollably.

well, at least after crying till my heart's content cos of the emotions the show brought, i realised i'm not as cold hearted and aloaf as i thought i was.

at least my heart is not made of stone.

even though i'm like having a seriously bad running + blocked nose from crying (that half the time bathing i was trying to unblock it and is doing)......

i'm smiling widely from the bottom of my heart now.

this episode must have had triggered tat sub-conscious softness in me.

i'm happy to have found it.

ok, so now...

i'm super dead beaten. LOL

gonna pop some cold medi to curb the cold and sleep, can't be mc-ing right after the 1st day of return back to work can i?

and pls pls pls, the puffy eyes of mine now better recover by tmr/later :(

[ being human sometimes u jus have to be that emotional, irrational.

because it's a part of us.

because it's not humane to let ur mind rule over always.

listen to what it says deep inside ur heart <3 ]

2011-04-16T13:58:00.002+08:00

I CANNOT BELIEVE I DIN SEE THE DOOR THAT HAS BEEN WITH ME THE PAST 8YRS AND THAT I COULD TOTALLY WALK INTO IT HEAD ON YESTERDAY. AND THEN THERE'S ALL THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING!

SERIOUSLY I GUESS I NEED SOME EXOCISM YA?!

HATEFUL!

2011-04-08T03:39:00.001+08:00

i really dont know.

halo, hi! :)

ok, i'm not trying to be emotional here budden i jus wanna jot down some thoughts.

well, i sort of believed what i've figure out sometime ago. if you know me well enough, you would have understand how slow and ignorance abt such things i am.

budden these few observations i did make after certain hints and i believe them all too ;)

well, i'm jus curious abt such stuffs budden i decided not to bother abt it until mid may. for the time being, i'm just holding onto a busybody mentality to grab any lame updates i can gather hahas.

but when it comes to my problem, i become totally uncertain again. well, you can say one will never find the ideal type in life cos there's always flaws in human. i know the intentions budden i dun get the 'sparkle' feeling. there's something lacking, some barrier as i've said, i dunno. maybe jus not enough chemistry. so this indicate something isnt it?! then again, i get flustered so easily when someone gets wind of something. well, i just dun like to be labelled.

and i feel that somehow, someway, more and more ppl are beginning to speculate. are they so sharp or words spread? cos i realised somethings are not meant to be said. leave it as it is would be so much better. i dont like ppl to judge me when i dun want it, and i hate to have something on ppl's hand to play with when in the first place i dont feel so close to you.

there's just too many secrets rolling ard so much so that i think i need to reassess where to put my trust in.

maybe i'll revert back to my old ways. where stella takes much dominance over lala since i'm isolating myself for exams again.

i could totally use myself as an example for sociology pls! :D

clique, 313, steph, f3! i'll love to meet u all up in may.

meanwhile pls allow me to disappear!

time to build up that defense and fill my brain up with notes instead.

2011-04-01T00:36:00.001+08:00

HALO!

TODAY's APRIL's FOOL!

ok, being random there :D

it's complicated!

2011-03-09T00:29:00.003+08:00

i hate to be uncertain!

b'cos i dunno what i want, i may jus end hurt hurting ppl's feeling :(
i seriously wonder how my brain works. cos it controls my heart first, then let it wonder again, den started thinking abt certain possiblities, making me confused again -.-"

mr brain mr brain, could be be a little more decisive? it's either a case of want and dont want only. if u decided for it, den free the heart to let it lead pls. if decided against it now, den control the heart fully.dun start going haywire thinking too much again after decision has been made can?! i seriously dun understand why my heart and mind cant synchronise as one :(

i shld be focusing entirely on preparing for may's exam now.it was my mind which decided so, budden it's also my mind that let other stuffs come popping out to distract my attention. it's complicated!
there's jus too many thoughts running wild and i cant control.

haix. i think i've spilt personalities. because i just dont understand myself at all.

p.s. and i whack my knee against the blue tote yesterday at work, so now i'm suffering with a blue-black that hurts everytime i move the joint.

2011-03-02T02:39:00.002+08:00

omgomgomgomgomgomgomg!
OMG!
ok, i dun wanna sound stupid so i shall swallow it back into my mouth.
or--mmoo-gawd...
nothing much but i jus realised something that stuns me when i roll ard fb.

------------------------------------------

so after going crazy for the last 10mins...
the normal me realised i got something else to post.
[norul chajaso oh eh oh nal bichwo junun jo dalbit araero...]
tonight~tonight~tonight~
lol. i think only i understand but it jus sort of coincide with whatever i feel now :D
sometimes i find myself so complicated that even i dunno what i want.
so jus remain the status quo then.

2011-02-27T02:15:00.008+08:00

life's full of ups and downs.
totally filled with it.

i guess the thing abt growing up is simply learning to deal with all sorts of situations life puts u in.
budden again, the word simply is such an under estimation of what it puts u thru.
because truth hurts, reality hits hard.
no wonder ppl says life is hard.

and me being me, i always am short of that piece of sensitivity and concern, thoughtfulness abt the ppl ard me. it's been ages i realised this flaw abt me but i jus cant get it fixed.
realised it, attempted to improve on it, somehow someway lost it again, someone something remind me of how lousy a friend i can be, and then i'm at a loss abt me being like tat again.
stupid vicious cycle occurs over and over again for i-dunno-how-many-times. someone save me from this illness of mine pls.
sometimes i think i'm too cold blooded, too oblivious, too self-centred and i guess too much of brotherhood in me le lah. where's my gal sense!
haix.

i've got sooo much things that i wanna make an effort to keep up with, offer my help in, get myself a part of it but seriously i'm kinda programmed to focus on only 1 thing at a time.
this is why i'm totally not able to commit myself into a relationship, dun think i'll have the time and energy to maintain one too...
i'm gonna learn to be a better, more worthy friend before i embark on anything new.

so dearest friends,
i neva msg doesn't mean i dun care.
i neva ask is cos i dunno how to bring up the topic.
i neva show b'cos i'm not used to certain acts.
i wanna know but i'm afraid to rank up unhappy things within you.
i wanna share but i think it might add on to ur burden.
i wanna jus give you a hug, a pat on the shoulder to cheer you on...
but my brain only register such actions during times like this when i do self-reflection.
i guess i'm born this way :(

well, for the time being i can only choose to lead life like a hermit.
hide and focus on May's exam solely first before i face more additional troubles of not getting something decent for year 1.
BUT...
if you ever sees this,
do know that if u wanna talk, i'll always be the listening ear.
i do wanna be of any kind of help where it's possible.
i care and i love you all ;]
to me, once i take u as my real friend, it's an eternal friendship.
i promise.
{cos i know my dearest who care will see this}

~lala~

2010-12-28T18:08:00.002+08:00

ermmm.....
.
.
.
.
ok, i wanted to update a new post.
i really do.
budden i smell food = dinner is really!
:D
hot hot soup on a cold weather like this~

so i running off now!
byebye, it's dinner time!

2010-12-24T01:55:00.003+08:00

i'm sooooo tired now but i cant sleep till my hair dries
T.T

okays, so i'm like reviving my blog again after a month of not updating.
lots of things happened from sch till these few days of massive meetup gatherings!
i have been rather content and happy lala recently other than the fact that my body is falling apart with all sorts of ailments. have decided to go see a Chinese physician for checkup to restore my health esp to cure my insomnia lately.
so new status for happenings in the last mth:
i'm driver now and i jus got my license card delivered to me tis morning! :D
decided to change for the better and make the fullest outta the remaining of my 19th years old time!

tat's all. tatas!
pitiful lala need to work tmr morning but there's 313 x'mas gathering to look forward to!

MERRY X'MAS EVERYONE! :)

2010-11-22T23:33:00.000+08:00

I WANNA GO ON A SHOPPING SPREE!!
ESPECIALLY FOR SHOES HUNT!

2010-11-04T17:52:00.002+08:00

i wanna update my blog budden i dunno wat to post. lol.
ok fine, so tmr's public hol = i've to work.
and of all things, i'm the only team leader doing closing...
lonely lonely! well, let's see how it goes tmr.
btw, nov gonna be a super busy month for me. i'll be having driving lessons packed among work and sch. hopefully, i'll get to pass it well on 1st attempt! and due to peak season, we're asked to worked more hrs now. :(
i'll better survive thru all these! and try not worsening the condition of my panda eyes.

-huan: next fri u free? i'll text u gals!
-ranie: let me know again thru fb. and ohh, cos the last time we htht wit u, u showed us the slutty seah side! HAHAHAS

2010-11-02T00:09:00.003+08:00

i'm temporary moving into the master bedroom! everything to my own, when my parents are in m'sia :)) i bet i'll wont suffer from insomnia like the previous days now with the ultimate factors tat gives u a good night sleep! hahas. yup, i've always been eyeing for every opportunity to hog my parents' room. :D

well and for work, it's jus getting busier and will be even more so the next 2 mths. haix, so i've got myself enrolled into much more hectic work schedules during this peak period. so goodbye to most of the meetup sessions tat's gonna occur every sat :( seriously, i think i'm a workaholic but now we've got no choice cos it's compulsory to work more in nov, dec! i wonder how am i ever gonna catch up proper wit sch like this. jus hope tat i can successful obtain my license on 1dec den at least i've one less thing to cope wit.
ohya, jus another random note. there's this very beautiful new pt in store! :D well, she's actually the most beautiful person i ever seen so much so tat i'll aLWAYS take extra glances at her when i walk pass her lol! i'm gonna take photo wit her to show ya'll one of these days!

2010-10-21T23:26:00.002+08:00

hazy hazy haze.
ok fine, ppl at indonesia are happily burning their forest away when it's global warming now.
den poor ppl like us have to suffer from all the smoke blown over.
and then, here am i never recovering from my cough and sore throat thanks to all this.
:(

i hate to admit but there's just this load weighing in my heart...

2010-10-14T02:42:00.003+08:00

insomnia.
this is what i'm suffering from for the entire week.
it's either i return from work dead tired way pass midnight then i could sleep or i jus cant get to sleep whenever i wanna turn in early.
and if i try to sleep early, i'll end up turning around on my bed till almost 4am den i could finally fall asleep or i fall asleep at 1am budden wake up at ard 4plus cos of nightmares.
seriously like shit cos i'm the kind who don't dream.

so here am i, the 4th consecutive night of insomnia for this week.
but seriously, i thnk it's the way my life now is causing it all.
i'm leading a hectic, busy lifestyle for some reason which i dun even understand.
why is it that i can't be like another other peers of my age now, leading a carefree life where the only worry is abt studies. i can't, because the greatest mistake of my life is to not get well enough grades that land me a place in local uni. therefore i'm now like tat.

because i don't wanna lose my dignity and self-esteem as a person, tat's why i got myself a laptop, i work to pay for my wants, i even took up the responsibility of the homeline set with the internet connection now on my shoulders in addition to all my current load which i already hold. All of these out of my parttime pay. All of these just to make me feel tat at least i can protect the last pride i have. All these just to make me feel that there's still more to me and try to walk out of the failure at Alevels.

because i wasn't born to be a richman's daughter. because i missed a step and failed once. because my character was trained to be so strong like tat. because i don't say. because i don't cry. because i'm always too rational. THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M NOT VULNERABLE!

do you know how pathetic i feel at night because when i'm seriously hurt by ppl whose suppose to be the pillar of support, i really wanna cry out loud to relieve all that's pilling inside me but i couldn't. BECAUSE TEARS CAN'T FLOW OUT. because i've to make myself strong to everyone else, that's why since young i'm training myself to let tears flow back inwards. since i dunno when, i'm forbid to let ppl see my tears. reason? I DUNNO.

like how i dunno why i must hold a parttime job and work my guts out because of some stupid reason- i'm already 19th years old and i still wanna get allowance? ya, why? tell me! am i suppose to eat myself up now since i'm 19. i dun mind working to earn my allowance cos daddy say he cant afford to give me allowance now cos he doesn't control money at home. cos mum the one holding the accounts. worse still, we're in a bad relationship.
but then again, though i shut my mouth up to work for my own allowance doesn't mean i earn thousands a month ok?! how many days can i work for how many hours a month when i need to study and then i can't go work before class in order not to fall asleep during lesson in the afternoon. and then, i'm suppose to pay for my own driving lessons which costs a bomb when allegedly my mum was the one who said she'll pay for it if i go get a license. but after BEGGING her for the very first 90bucks for bbdc enrollment fee and 1yr membership, EVERYTHING else is outta my own packet ok! and now i really have got no savings cos every single cents i've got for the pass 10yrs have been depleting to pay for all my own expenses since sec 3.

so tell me, what have i done in my previous lifetime to have life doing this to me now. money is always the issue. i almost couldn't study now if i hadn't went all the way to my granduncle hse to make a scene. Reason? Just because i went to stayover at my friends' hse twice the month before.
For someone like me who dont socialise, who dont spent long hours chatting on the phone or rather i dont even call, who wont out of the blue organise meet up with friends. who wont msg to stay in touch with friends randomly, who seldoms go out with friends when they asked cos of work. i only have that few groups of friends which i get in touch once a while. and now, i think my mum is trying to get me to break off all contacts with the outside world tat i can rely on. all of this nonsense due to money issues.

i only need her to help me pay for the last 6lessons now so that i can successfully schedule and book for my practical test cos this came rather abrupt and wasnt in my this month's allowance plan. tat's all you know. if not really no choice i wonldnt ask. but yet all i've got is ATTITUDE. why should i pay for you, you help with any household chores, blah blah blah. all the like as though i was born a maid not a daughter stuffs starts coming out. once, twice, thrice. so much so tat i really think i'm a low-life. i'm already washing my own clothes, i'm already working whenever i can and still i'm expected to do all these. and to think that in the first place i wanted to get a license because i thought i could help dad drive a bit of the 2hrs journey back and forth grandma hse in m'sia when we visit.

seriously why everyone else doesnt needs to go through all these nonsense shit but i do. everyone else, even ppl older can still get allowances from their parents. i've never heard a mother complaining as much as her, as calculative with their own children as her. how come everyone else's mum can silently contributed to the family, working hard, doting on their child, but not mine. i'm totally unbalanced.

there's already so much things i'm missing out as a teenager, and i'll continue missing all the teenage moments that one should experience as long as i'm in my current environment. i jus cant take it anymore.

i hate my life.

2010-10-04T23:20:00.002+08:00

in order to not be pathetic, i decided to proclaim war.
in order to account for my own pride, i rather be hard on myself and declare war.
since i've only been raised to be adult-like from young, i simply have already started adulthood from then.
my rough hands are the prefect indicators, that's why i only love myself more than anything else.
tell me how to love, when i already lost touch of how it's like being loved.

2010-09-21T21:45:00.002+08:00

suddenly there's just these thoughts that broke into my mind. out of the blue, my brain jus started to review and think abt it. i dunno why, but maybe it's because i'm slowly becoming less strong and firm in my heart. maybe the ppl i'm meeting now are more mature, that why for a second i thought maybe i can don't need to be me. maybe i could get myself a pillar of support too. maybe...

i missed the HTHT with pao and boon. wonder when can we meet up again.

2010-09-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

i am TIRED! ahhahhahhahhh.
ok, i'm totally dying from work.
din study at all for the allegedly 1 week break but then now i'm super tired to do anything either.
:(
how i wish i could jus dun bath and sleep till tmr. haix.
can't i even be a dirty freak for once...
-
:( for the sake of iphone 4 i'm gonna work hard tis month. after this it's time to focus fully on school. i already missed the proper route of not able to enter local uni, i want my first class honour at the end of it all or else i really am doing unjust to myself!
jiayou!

---------------------------------------------------------
pop over to clique's blog jus now and realised all the uni ones are all pretty stressed up.
well, the scary thing i feel is cos i always see the local uni ppl panic and stress up abt their course and exam and yet i feel none of those. :(
fine, it's time to self-pressurized. daddy asked if i've been studying these days cos i've been at work 90% , home to sleep 10% for the past 2.5 weeks.
nidda plan my healthy lifestyle from now on. i seriously shld force me to study acc to timetable of my clique.
well, gd luck for exams clique! esp huanny wong, stop getting stressed up! :]

2010-09-17T01:24:00.000+08:00

if anyone manage to see this:
my blog's revived! lol.
or rather i decided to revive my blog after all.
i wonder if my clique or anyone would still enter my blog add after me deleting it for months.
the same blog address somemore.
it's been a long long time and i jus thought i would be good to have a place for me to express what i really feel. better than bottling up my thoughts and then feel left out at the end of the day.
well, i'm back. with a more truthful me, not gonna care so much abt other's perception. i'm jus gonna type out my inner thoughts here from now. :)

till then...